What is toxic forgiveness and how does it affect us, our emotions and our relationships?


Almost all of us know that forgiveness is an important virtue in human relationships and plays a crucial role. We recently wrote “The Unbearable Ease of Forgiveness: Forgive for yourself, not for others” In our article, we discussed in detail that forgiveness improves both our overall health and our relationships with other people. This time, “health” is unwittingly hurting our relationships and preventing us from truly healing.poisonous forgivenessWe’ll talk about; with original namepoisonous forgiveness‘.

What is “toxic forgiveness” and why does it happen?

Forgiveness, forgiving someone, can strengthen the bond between us and the other person, as well as provide personal healing; However when it’s “real” i.e. when the time is right. If you are not ready to truly forgive someone or what has been done to you; if you don’t know the time and space you need If you forgive hastily for various reasons, such as social pressure or conflict avoidance, that forgiveness does more harm than good. Because in the end, that forgiveness can tire you out. Taking on the role of forgiveness, even if you’re not ready for whatever reason, can lead to “toxic forgiveness.”

Psychotherapist responsible for kip therapy Peter SchmittThe root cause of toxic forgiveness, according to the moral pressure that society puts on forgiveness. Thoughts like forgiveness are greatness and the forgiving person does the most logical thing, although this is true, this can lead to a tendency to forgive without being ready, and a situation more difficult for the forgiving person can arise. because Schmittaccording to Forgiveness is not always the wisest thing to do.

Although we taught that the best way to overcome any conflict is to forgive Despite ‘come on kiss the worlddo not always solve problems in relationships; When things are in such a hurry, problems hide under the rug. “Forgiveness requires understanding and acceptance of the harm done, as well as actively choosing to save your relationship with the person who has hurt you.” He speaks Schmitt but haste breaks down all the stages of true forgiveness. the act of forgiveness becomes fruitless; that is, “toxic” forgiveness arises.

Renowned psychotherapist, New York Times bestselling author of Relationships and Boundaries. Nedra Glover Tavwab how Peter Schmitt as toxic forgiving It draws attention to how much harm we can do to ourselves when we are like this. “For our mental health and peace of mind, most of us try to forgive others, but some of us just pretend to forgive when we don’t. Like toxic positivity, toxic forgiveness is a concept that can do more harm than good.who said that tawwab, that toxic forgiveness can threaten our health as much as long-standing grievances. He speaks. According to a renowned psychotherapist, toxic forgiveness is worse than no forgiveness at all. Because people shouldn’t make hasty decisions when it comes to their own lives, relationships, and overall health. It is important to have the necessary time and space and strive to gain trust. Otherwise, both people and relationships can be damaged.

When we “so-called” forgive the situation, event, word or person in front of us, without thinking about the issue we are offended by, what actually happened. We try to forget, but we cannot forget, instead we repress. That is, we hide our true feelings deep inside. However, those emotions that we suppress sooner or later come out; like all facts… Therefore, toxic forgiveness is an unhealthy approach. When we pretend that we have not been harmed, broken or offended, we are trying to forget about the event, to embellish it. However, keep the peace, keep the peace, or forgive to please others – pretending– it can make us feel worse afterwards.

According to many psychologists, the inability to consciously cope with pain, evaluate it, suppress it, and not process it, increases the risk of its reappearance in the future; and even more brutally… When we try to process things quickly and not enough mourn the negative emotions we experience, we are more likely to exhibit sudden outbursts of anger, bouts of crying, and passive-aggressive reactions. Think of it this way; You told your partner that you were hurt in some way and that you forgave yourself without giving yourself enough time to deal with the matter so that the situation would not escalate or he would become upset. When your partner breaks you down again after a while Doesn’t your reaction actually include your repressed initial reaction? Words, emotions, resentments and reactions swept under the carpet can then appear before you in a huge package. So what to do? Is there an optimal time for forgiveness? You can think. Of course, each person’s emotional processing time and relationship dynamics are different, so it’s impossible to talk about an optimal forgiveness period. However, there are some things you can do to “really forgive” without falling into the poisonous trap of forgiveness.

From Poisonous Forgiveness to “Real” Forgiveness

When you forgive, do you really make that decision after you’ve sorted things out inside and confronted all your feelings, or do you make that decision because you have to to avoid fights and worries? Marriage and family therapist Dontea Mitchell-Hunter According to him, most people face a situation that makes them angry or hurts. avoidance of negative emotions such as shame or guilt he tries to calm himself; I mean, he doesn’t really forgive, but he pretends to convey it. On the other hand, according to renowned clinical psychologist Amy Daramus, sometimes people can see themselves as the cause of this sadness, especially when they are being hurt by someone they greatly value; Well look for blame. For this reason, they naturally make sure that the other party is forgiven because they take all the blame. In both cases, the forgiveness received does not reflect reality. On the contrary, this kind of forgiveness shows that a person has not yet given himself time and is not able to heal. It is important to overcome resentment here. Well, accepting all feelingsfeel, define and try to understand and analyze.

On the other hand, toxic forgiveness not being really ready to accept an apology turn it into real forgiveness, as that is the type of forgiveness that is offered too soon. it takes “time”. If you feel like you have to do something right away when someone really hurts you, it might be a good idea to kick the habit. What do you think, how do you feel, do you really want to forgive, can you predict how your relationship will continue when you forgive, are you sure that you trust the other person, are you sure that he will not hurt you in Exactly also continue to give yourself the time needed to answer all these questions. This kind introspectionThis can help you understand how much pain you are in, evaluate your relationship, and make the right decision. Sometimes deep childhood wounds can be triggered by various situations or events later in life. For this reason, Allow yourself as much time as you need, this will help you dive deeper.

When you give yourself the space and time to identify your feelings, get to the root of your pain, and evaluate your relationship with the person who hurt you, you can turn toxic forgiveness into real forgiveness. You can get support from someone you trust or find an expert to guide your inner journey. Holding negative emotions such as hatred and resentment for a long time don’t burden yourself but forgiving too quickly don’t make yourself more vulnerable. Return to your guide to help you find the right time for everything: to myself.

If you like, you can also take inspiration from our various articles on forgiveness:

Forgiveness for relief: what is forgiveness and what is not, and for whom is it?

Forgiveness for Your Good: Why is Forgiveness Good for Us?

Two ends of forgiveness: forgive yourself and forgive the other

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