How do you tell someone that they hurt you?
From time to time we all hear things we don’t want, we can be deceived by another person’s words and we can watch them break our hearts. And we can’t say how much it hurts us, maybe because of the distance between us, maybe because of the fear of misunderstanding, maybe because we don’t know how to express ourselves. After, ‘Wish I could say it, I said it, I said it like this…we eat ourselves by talking. However, instead of fighting the vulnerability we put into ourselves in response to his words, we can openly express how hurt we are and open the door to healthier communication. As?
It’s often uncomfortable to tell someone directly how you feel about what they did, but it’s easier than holding back your resentment and dealing with the negative effects on your body and mind. Don’t worry, you can express this situation without giving the wrong message, giving a negative reaction, or insulting the person in front of you. Here are 7 effective steps to tell someone they hurt you:
Think about it one night
You may have heard the old saying “take one night’s rest”. This method, which is advised not to make a decision right away, to react suddenly, to control emotions and thoughts, can save you from giving an answer that you may later regret. Yes, it’s not good to be offended, and stopping and waiting might be your last thought, especially if the person in front of you stepped on your veins, but this time, give yourself a day before responding. You will probably wake up the next morning feeling much better and more in control of your reactions.
Plan your words and write if you need to
When you feel ready to talk, it’s helpful to set up a preliminary dialogue in your mind before contacting the person who hurt you. Create your words in your mind, try to choose clear sentences that do not contain anger and that will express you and your feelings as best as possible. If you don’t find it easy to construct this speech in your mind, you can write it down if you like. By writing down how you feel, what hurts you, and how the other person hurt you, you can calm your anger and control your thoughts. Not everything you write or practice may come to mind during a conversation, or your speech may go in a different direction, but writing can be a good tool for remembering what’s important.
Start with why what you want to say is important
“I want to share something with you/you as I appreciate our relationship.” You can start with words. Whether it’s your boss or a very close friend, share that you want to express your outrage because you think the dialogue between you and the other person is important to you and will therefore improve the relationship between you. After such a cordial acquaintance, you can be sure that he will listen to you with a much more constructive approach.
Briefly describe what hurt you or made you feel bad.
Sometimes when we explain events and situations by dragging them out too long without realizing it, we can get away from the point. To prevent this from happening, it is helpful to speak clearly and concisely. “Did you tell me or did you…and summarize your negative experience in a few sentences. But here’s a situation where you need to be careful; While you are talking, the other person may want to interrupt you to explain. Try to remain calm at this point and say that you want to hear what they have to say, but you want to finish your sentences first. The more gently you can express it, the more you can soften the other person rather than increase their resistance.
tell me how you feel
You can consider this step as the most important step. Because no one can argue about how you feel. Emotions are yours, only you can know how you feel. Describe how the other person’s words or behavior make you feel. And be sure to use language. That’s not what he does; What you feel is important at this moment. “I felt worthless, I felt resentful…You can explain how it makes you feel.”
Share what you want to happen next
How would you like the other person to behave so that the same situation does not happen again, what kind of speech instead of what he said would make you feel better, think about it and share your answers. Whatever he does or says instead of what he did, be clear and use concrete examples. Suggest scenarios that more constructively make up for the situation that is hurting you. For example, you might say that you don’t want him to interrupt you next time, or that you expect him to consult with you before making a decision. And don’t expect immediate feedback when doing so; Remember that it may take time for the other person to take in what you have shared and process it in their mind.
Remind me why you’re having this conversation
Reiterate why what you want to say is important because you said it in the first place. Say that you want both of you to have healthier communication, or that you need this conversation to improve your relationship. Emphasize the importance of this conversation as you are trying to build a constructive connection, not a wall.
Even if you follow all these steps, keep this in mind; Telling someone that they are hurting you can be a difficult conversation and get on your nerves. Even if you have prepared the right speech by carefully considering effective steps, the person in front of you can become defensive. At the moment, yours is not his; Remind yourself that you are responsible for your actions and words. If you feel the tension building, stop the conversation and offer to continue after you’ve calmed down. If you still feel like you’re not getting anywhere, you can suggest talking at another time when you both feel calmer.
You may be interested in: What is healthy communication: 4 aspects of communication and effective communication strategies
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