How can we approach someone who is missing?


What comes to mind when you think of the lost? People, animals, houses, goods, work, culture, civilization… We have lost our souls… It’s so hard for me to write this sentence. I think the situation is no different for readers.

The questions I get the most these days “How should I treat someone who has lost, what should I say to my lost loved one, how should I console him, how can I be kind to him?” in the shape of. There may be many more such questions. We all want to touch the environment and heal it. Each of us wants to hug our loved ones with our own words. We want to bandage their wounds so they don’t bleed anymore.

We may feel very helpless in the company of our loved ones. We may want to comfort our loved ones or ease their pain. For this reason, it can be difficult for us to determine what to say and what to do. First, let’s take a look at the reactions, emotions, and grief after a loss together. And then what can we do.

When we think of loss and mourning, the first thing that comes to mind is probably death, that is, an irreversible loss. In addition to death, the loss of a home, the loss of a job, the loss of health, the loss of an organ, the loss of a culture are events that can bring out grief reactions. Experienced losses can disrupt the established order, the balance of a person. It can be difficult to establish a new order and maintain inner balance. To restore this order, it is necessary to mourn the loss. After a loss or loss, a person may experience a shock reaction. A sense of shock can be experienced even in cases of severe illness and expected death. As Cemal Sureya said, in fact “Every death is an early death.”

In addition to feeling shocked, bereaved people can also often feel lethargic, sad, and helpless. Sometimes people can experience feelings of anger after losses. Anger can be directed at others, at the person himself. It is important to be sympathetic to the fact that during this period people can be angry.

From time to time, people can feel guilty when they lose their loved ones. In the mind of a person who lost during this period “I wish I didn’t do it, I wish I didn’t say it.” Expressions of regret may appear, such as For this reason, things that fuel this feeling of guilt should not be said to the losing person. Man trying to deal with guilt and regret “I wish you didn’t. By saying this, you can negatively influence the person by amplifying those feelings. Guilt can sometimes manifest as “survivor’s guilt” in situations such as disasters and accidents. A survivor of a disaster or accident may think that the person or people they have lost deserve to live more than they do. For this reason, a person who has lost “At least you’re alive, be thankful.” cannot be approached with such expressions. Because a person already feels guilty for having survived, and believes that those who have passed away deserve more.

People who are bereaved may feel anxious about how to live without the person they have lost. Or the anxiety of the person’s own death may also be felt after the loss. For this reason, people may feel congested, short of breath, or tight.

One of the feelings most experienced by people who have lost their loved ones is longing. The feeling of longing is sometimes felt so strongly that bereavement may see the lost person as a hallucination in a dream or in reality.

All of these feelings and experiences are normal grief reactions of bereaved people. Although each grief is subjective, people can experience such experiences in general. We may want to support people who have lost their lives, ease their pain and accept them. For this, we would like to have suggestions that have the effect of a drug. Unfortunately, we do not have such magic offers. However, we can be with our loved ones while avoiding certain expressions. Phrases I don’t recommend:

  • “Could be worse.”
  • “At least you’re alive.
  • “You have lost your home, but you are in good health.”
  • “I wish you didn’t.
  • “Be thankful for yourself, there are those who have lost their families.”
  • “You need to be strong, don’t cry, don’t let go.”
  • “You can’t die with the dead, get together now.”

We don’t have magic words, but there is a way to support our loved ones who have gone missing. And this is so that they mourn their loss. During this period, we must allow the lost people to experience their feelings, and not interrupt the normal process of mourning. There are ways to show support without saying anything. For example, a warm hug with the person’s permission, or sitting quietly next to them, sharing their feelings, listening to what they have to say. This may seem like a rarity to all of us, but trust me, it’s not. This is the best support you can give to your loved ones who are currently missing. You can stand next to a person for as long as he wants, as he wants, without harming him.

I want to say goodbye to this article with my last words. We can all feel anger, helplessness, guilt, sadness right now. These reactions and emotions are quite natural, normal and humane. Let’s let these feelings live for now. We grieve, let’s not interfere with ourselves. Good luck to all of us.

You may be interested in: ‘Forty candles in the heart’: Grief and acceptance after grief

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