Experts say why do we try to maintain toxic relationships?


Anyone, at any level of professional achievement or education, at any age, can try to salvage a relationship that has gone sour. If you are currently stuck in such a relationship, or wondering why someone you love would do such things, this article might be helpful to you. Remember, any relationship is potentially toxic. If you think there are issues that you cannot resolve individually or in your relationship, see a professional. Read on to learn more about why we are in toxic relationships.

The influence of our beliefs

We hold various beliefs about ourselves and others that influence this choice. We may believe that the right help or support can help our partner reach their potential, and we should provide it. We may be afraid that we will hurt him if we break up, that our partner may spin without our influence. Our dreams may be closely linked to our attachment to that person, and separation means those dreams will not come true. Perhaps we believe that our primary role – even if it means losing ourselves – is to heal and care for others… Or we fear being selfish, we find the idea of ​​breaking up relationships unthinkable because of our own unmet needs and desires.

New information we learn about our partner and how we deal with them

When we are in a toxic relationship, we experience what we call cognitive dissonance. When we learn something about our partner that is contrary to our beliefs, values, and ideas, we have several options:

  1. Ignoring new, conflicting information (“I’m sure he didn’t mean it”, “I don’t remember what he said or did.”)
  2. Knowledge struggle (“How dare you imply that you are cheating on me? I don’t care if you think so.”)
  3. Justification of the information (“This is not actually harassment, and I deserve it.”)
  4. Changing our beliefs and values ​​to match this new information (“I thought he was kind to animals, but now I see him hitting his dog, so I must be wrong”).

Cognitive dissonance can be expressed by any of the first three examples above. Either way, we are trying to get our brains to hold conflicting ideas at the same time. The fourth example requires us to change our minds in light of something new. This is often a scary prospect in a toxic relationship because it opens the door for drastic action, such as ending the relationship.

Looking from the sidelines at your friend’s bad relationship

Many of us used to wonder why a friend didn’t end their bad relationship. Often this is because these relationships define that person’s life; So that’s the only thing he knows to be true. Often this is accompanied by the belief that it is they who will change the other person.

At this point, it is worth remembering that bad relationships do not always become “bad”. Anyone who has been in a toxic relationship knows that it’s not always as clear as black or white. As with any relationship, there are moments of happiness in this type of relationship, moments when you catch a glimpse of the change you were hoping for, or moments when you think this is the turning point…

As a result, we have no control over other people. The only person we can control is ourselves. So the potential that you see in this person, your belief that he will turn into someone else, goes too far. In order for this to be real, this person must be aware of this potential and strive for it. Therefore, he must invest in relationships.

Should I stay or go?

How to talk to yourself: When thinking about your relationship, it can be helpful to ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend in the same situation?” We tend to be more forthright and more compassionate towards our friends’ situations. That’s why it’s always good to talk to yourself as you would to a loved one. By looking at your own situation in your friend’s glasses, you can understand what’s going on, what is wishful thinking, and what problems need action.

How to understand that your partner is ready to change: So how do you know that someone is committed to improvement and change? The answer is simple: for this you need to act! He does what he promised, his words match his actions. He also acknowledges and accepts his own problems. He is determined to take action to resolve. He is willing to talk about the problem and work with you as a team to solve the problem, not against you. He understands that there is something that needs to be fixed.

If you’re in a mentally or emotionally toxic relationship, change won’t happen until your partner realizes they’re doing something wrong and stops it.

How to assess your situation: We know it’s hard to decide what to do in a relationship like this when hope overshadows everything. The best course of action is to remind yourself of your values ​​and goals again; Then you can ask the following question:

“Will this person take me where I want to go? Can I really be with him for who I am, and do I want to be with him? Do we share common values?

We hope that once you have determined what is important to you, you will be able to make the right choice for your relationship…

You may be interested in: Tips for getting out of a toxic relationship

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